beginning with an unknown ending
It was when I heard the line
‘You don’t have to know the end to be able to begin.’
Some stranger granting me permission to fail and holding me accountable to the exposure of what’s uncertain; uncertainty as a confirmation of one’s sanity.
To revel in wonder without fear.
To grapple with the expectation of what may never be.
To surrender in sovereignty for the sake of self.
The story begins with a baby being born after the death of another. Said baby is me. I was born into a family that had just suffered the tragic loss of their daughter Marion. As a kid, I lacked a strong connection to my sister Marion. She had left this realm before I made my debut. When asked how many siblings I have, I still include her in the total. I do remember fondly when we’d release balloons into the sky on her birthday, watching them as they disappeared in the cloudline. As an 8 year old, I was convinced that was the fastest way to get a love note to a guardian angel. There was a photo in the dining room; her holding a rabbit with a smirk on her face and disheveled hair. Looking at it now, it’s almost as if she knew.
I share this story because it is a thread that has been woven into my experience of mother[s]. With little or no avail in being done with the grief, much of what I’ve known is a grieving mother. This thread has offered a particular insight into motherhood that I am drawn to explore further. This is an attempt to articulate a question I’ve been following for most of my life. What is mother? Or rather who is mother (noun)? What it means to be a mother (adjective)? what is mothering (verb)?
I want to share the textbook definition of mother to have a common place to move from and build off of.
mother
noun a female parent. (often initial capital letter) one's female parent.
adjective being a mother:a mother bird. of, relating to, or characteristic of a mother:mother love.
verb (used with object); to be the mother of; give origin or rise to: She mothered two children. to acknowledge oneself the author of; assume as one's own.
origin of mother
First recorded before 900; Middle English mother, moder, Old English mōdor; cognate with Dutch moeder, German Mutter, Old Norse mōthir, Latin māter, Greek mḗtēr, mā́tēr Sanskrit mātar-; all from Proto-Indo-European mātér-.
I want to expand on the determining factors of staking claim on motherhood and what being a mother encompasses. If you are a mom, were a mom, want to be a mom someday, you're trying to be a mom, tried to be a mom, don't want to be a mom, harbor hard feelings for [your] a mom, have loved a mom (even if she wasn't your mom) then I invite you to keep reading.
Mothers tend to be the initial caretaker, and in that relation, set the tone for how we as individuals relate to others. Jungian theorists explore and elaborate on the psychology around our relationship or lack thereof with the mother. These attachment situations are where the psyche becomes narrowed and fragmented, affecting experiences of self and other, connection, and individuation. Behind the personal mother is the archetype of the Great Mother. Mother is the force that drives creation and destruction, fecundity, but also the barren womb. As a culture, we slather the term mother with all sorts of feminine meaning, trying to give it a purpose and a place.
In my evolving state of existence, I’ve come to find myself as a person who continually shows up for the self-identifying mothers or mothers to be, i.e., I spend the majority of my time around or thinking about mothers. The mothers I’ve supported tend to express an overwhelming sense of love and compassion for a being beyond themselves. They also share a feeling of overwhelm in a negative connotation of anxiety or depression of what will be or what was. In a way, to be[come] a mother puts one in a vortex of all-consuming emotions. In the current state of the world, existing in a pandemic, and charting the unknown waters, these feelings are heightened to both polarities. The extreme feelings of love and hope matched with despair and sadness. All emotions are allowed and valid.
I support mothers. I bear benevolent witness to persons becoming mothers, sometimes in the exact moment of childbirth but most of the time, it's in the moments before and after. I believe that mothering is conceived as an act of mostly giving (birth, love, care, attention etc.) all the while learning how to receive in return.
[FLOWERS] by Wendy Videlock
for my mother
They are fleeting.
They are fragile.
They require
little water.
They’ll surprise you.
They’ll remind you
that they aren’t
and they are you.